I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize