a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
