God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
