I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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