I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
