I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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