After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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