Michael Bay diarrhea
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
