he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
