Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
