i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
