So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
