your thong is hanging out like whoa
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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