2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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