You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think your dad took our porno
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
