You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
