i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
