I faked an abortion last night.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
