im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
