I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
