my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
