when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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