I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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