Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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