ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
