ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
