they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
