I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
