I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
