How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
