i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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