you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I need moral support for this bender
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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