It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
