I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
