I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
