Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
