Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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