someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
