**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
