Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
