If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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