You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
