I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
