I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
