i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.