I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
