If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
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Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.