Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?