im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
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Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
pray to the hookup gods
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now