Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And then he peed in my hair
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