: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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