a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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