I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't deserve a penis
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
