Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
