I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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