Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
