Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
