if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
