This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
