like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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