i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
