Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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