They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
