3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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