He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
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there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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