please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
