we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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