haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
